After years of working on weddings, there is one
character that I have come to pity: the mother of the groom. Most of the
attention at weddings, aside from that given to the couple, is placed on the
mother and father of the bride. The parents of the groom are largely left out of
the planning process and the wedding day seems structured to lavish attention on
the bride and her family: her mother helps her to get dressed, her father walks
her down the aisle and everyone recognizes the bittersweet nature of the day for
the parents of the bride. While the day is just as bittersweet for the parents
of the groom, their participation is typically limited to a cameo during the
processional. For my part, I have made it a priority to arrange time prior to
the ceremony for the parents of the groom to spend a few quiet moments with the
groom. But I've also taken to strongly encouraging brides to forge a
relationship with the mother of the groom during the planning process.
Brides, imagine for a moment how your future mother in law must be feeling. She
has tirelessly and selflessly worked to ensure that her son was taken care of
and has watched him grow into the man that he is today. And now she must give
him over to the new lady in his life. Her feelings about your groom are as
strong as your mother's feelings about you. This is also a person, like it or
not, with whom you will have a lifelong relationship. So why not start the
bonding process by allowing her to participate in your wedding planning?
Granted, there are experiences that you might want to share exclusively with
your mother, but there are several ways to include your mother in law as well.
Have a Moms Luncheon
Soon after your engagement, reach out to your mother in law and ask her to join
you for lunch. If you'd like, you can also invite your mom to this meeting as
well. This is the opportunity for her to get to know you outside of your
relationship with her son. Tell her that you would like for her to be involved
in the planning as much as possible. This sets in place a positive foundation on
which you can build throughout the planning process.
Keep her in the loop about your plans
Be sure to include your future mother in law in your wedding related emails
and/or newsletters and ask for her input on wedding details (i.e., bridesmaid
dresses, flowers, vendors, etc.)
Invite her to vendor meetings
As previously stated, there may be moments that you wish to share alone with
your mom, most notably your dress fittings, but there are also several places
where your future mother in law can assist. Invite her to important meetings
such as the tasting with the caterer, the walk through of the venue, and
meetings with the florist. During the meetings, make a special effort to ask her
what she's thinking about your plans.
Allow her to assist in planning the bridal shower and rehearsal dinner
Of course, you will not be involved in planning your bridal shower, but you
should mention your desire to include your mother in law in the planning to your
maid of honor or designated planner. Traditionally, the groom's parents are in
charge of the rehearsal dinner however, many couples are now taking on this
responsibility themselves. If this is the case, be sure to ask for input from
your mother in law and definitely give her the chance to have words at the
dinner.
Keep in touch after the wedding
After the wedding is over, you should continue building your relationship with
your mother in law. Don't limit your interaction with her to times when your
husband is involved. Take the initiative to call, visit and hang out with her on
a regular basis.
Like any relationship, your relationship with your mother in law will take some
work, but it is certainly worth it in the end. A great mother in law can be a
good friend, shopping partner and someday, the perfect babysitter!
